It's never been easy.
There's many rough roads, plot twists, and self-doubts.
I was been this little potato that is afraid to go out to her shell way back in elementary to high school days. That's why people easily forget about me, or not even glad when they bumped me when they see me in public. I never joined competitions,or be an officer in an organization because I was afraid to go out my box. So that's why I have a few circle of friends before and guess what? only one stays. She turns out my best friend for real.
As I've been this potato no one even courted me when I was in high school the time when I'm hitting the puberty. Some of my classmates had already suitors, girlfriends and boyfriends. But, me? well no because what to expect right? Plus, I have really low self- esteem before.
But, there's this guy.
He kept going inside my classroom, kept bothering me, he even carry me like a bride-and groom out of no where when I'm on the hallway of the school. I really find him annoying. I remember when I need to be serious when I'm in a conversation I should bite my tongue to prevent laughing right? but what I did was, I was thinking about his face and suddenly I feel annoyed and mad and I find it effective so I did that everytime. (haha) We never had this special moment but he kept bothering me. That's was in my memory.
Then on our final year in high school, while I was arranging the seat for preparing for the mass that afternoon. (by the way, I studied in Catholic high school before) he suddenly asked me if its okay to court me. I suddenly feel awkward and I have a cold that day so I have a runny nose that anytime there's a fluid that will come out to my nose. My heart beats fast. But, he added ''pero indi lang pag hambal sa iban.''. That means I should not tell any one about it. AND THAT HURTS. I already had this low self-esteem but that moment he really point to my face that I'm really that low. That I'm not the kind of girl that he will be proudly show up in public because I'm just nobody. I still remember that situation. Then after that, I don't know it's not the same anymore I guess. We are going to graduate that time and we don't talk to each other that much anymore.
Okay that was long (haha) but let's now proceed to my next journey.
After I graduated the high school, I proceeded to college and I will be studying in the city, it's about 2 hours ride from my home. This is the most crucial point of my life. There's many bad things that happened to me. This happened 2013 and I claimed that that is the saddest year in my life.
I entered this university, without friends, without experiences in life and without confidence. It's only me. I've been in a culture shock.
It's the first day of school, it's Filipino class and we need to introduce our selves and when it's my turn I can really feel that the rich kids are mocking me I don't know why maybe because I look awkward and I didn't attend the general assembly. I feel so outcast in that class. I didn't feel that I belong. Every day, was a torture. I was crying every night and I always chose to sleep in the library and going back again to my dorm when it's vacant. I was bullied because I was so shy and quiet in the class. I made actually 2 friends inside that room. One girl (she is kinda also outcast because of how she looks) and one guy and I guess he is bisexual. But we're not really always together, that's why I always feel alone in that university.
I'm afraid to eat in the cafeteria because I'm afraid to many people and eating alone in a table so I always go back again to the dorm every break to eat and I never thought, I'll eat inside the bathroom but I did. I did ate a sandwich inside the cubicle of the toilet. I feel such a loser. I cannot tell my parents because we never talk personally. We had that relationship. I never share something to my parents because we are not really that close. Me and my only best friend are not talking to each other that time and we lose contact. Then I'm not close to my dorm mates too.
I feel so low. I feel so depressed. I feel so alone. I feel so sad.
I even counted the remaining days of that semester because I decided to transfer to another school next semester because I really cannot do it anymore. My mother knew it all. Even though, I never told her, she just knew. She accompanied me to the office but they said I should finish the semester because they cannot refund the tuition anymore. That's why I need to bear many days to be able to finish that semester. It was really a torture.
Finally, the time came.
The semester was finally finished. I leave that school, that place, that course. I transfer to the another school and take up another course. I feel so refresh. I feel hope and alive again. That university is much better. I still need to adjust because I'm the transfer student there. I made my first friend there but not really consider as a best friend. Just friend. We are both transferee to the Medtech course that's why we clicked with each other. I'm still shy but not like before. I tried to be open to others and to be independent. My dorm and dorm mates are better also. I feel that this is where I belong even though I was a irregular student and another thing, me and my best friend was now okay and we reconcile.I feel that my life fall back in the right places again.
I made few friends there, be a dean's lister and joined some contests. I passed all of my 1st-2nd year subjects. Then, on the 3rd year of the medtech, I became a regular student. But, that year level was the hardest part of my Medtech journey. 3rd year life was all about cramming, studying non stop because there's a quiz on every different subjects every day. My sleep was really not enough everyday, my face looks so haggard everyday that's why I have acnes and don't have a clear skin. I feel sick, I don't eat on the right time and I feel so stupid everytime I received so low grades and scores. I even question my intellect.My other classmates passed the subject, while me I belong to the failed one. Everyday, I wear my uniform, but I learned nothing. I attended the classes but I cannot understand anymore. I know I'm going to failed that semester. I feel so pressured and stressed. I feel that I am a disappointment again. I cannot handle it anymore. I'm not happy anymore. I did failed my majors and I need to retake it again.
After many hesitations, doubts and worries, I decided to transfer AGAIN. I'm lucky because my parents still allowed me after many convincing and disappointments. Maybe they see that I feel tired and not okay anymore. Eventhough, I never shared them what are my problems, they just knew.
I transferred again to another school, and finally I can say that I'm really happy. In terms that I can really appreciate, understand and love my course. I understand the subjects that I can't in my school before. I can have a good grades in my majors that I cannot achieved to my previous school. I did enjoy my course and met different persons and made a friends in all genders. Honestly in my previous school, they choose a friend, and it sucks because they just notice the person they like who has the same intellect as them. But now, in my current school, you can make friend in every classes. I just like how open this school. The teachers are also approachable and make the learning easy and better to understand. I became my true self to this school.
I still have one semester to take this June until October and that is the internship. I'm glad that I will be an intern in a hospital with a knowledge and better understanding with my course. I'm really glad.
But there's not all of it, there's still plot twist that happened to me.
I had only one subject to take last second semester before my internship. So I decided to leave the boarding house and go back to my home for a while. My class is only on Monday evening and Wednesday afternoon, so it's gonna be 6 months before my internship. I decided to to apply online because we have an internet and laptop at home. I want to do something and earn money so that I will not be a burden while I stay at home. . I researched jobs online and I found the ESL teacher. I became interested. I applied and submitted my resumes to several companies but I failed. I did lose hope but for the last time, I try again. I passed my audio sample and resume. After 3 days, I received a good news. I passed! I cannot believe it! I was so happy! because that is the company that I really want. Guess what? I'm an English teacher for 5 months now. That's the plot twist again in my life. Never in my life I have imagine that I can be called a teacher and have students. I am receiving my own money that I really worked for and that can gives me a rewarding feeling. I will make another post about my job but all I can say is I am happy and thankful to my job.
My life is not done yet, I still need to experience a lot of things, walk into rough roads, fight hard battles, feel many doubts in self and in my life.
Going back again to my self before, I still have many what if's and could have been's in high school. What if i am not really that shy before? What if I became active in school? What if I made a lot of friends?I also told that to my best friend before but she told me in the letter that she felt hurt when I said that because what if we don't became best friend? And that hits me. I became insensitive. I also questioned what if I didn't make a huge mistake before? What if I didn't enrolled to my first university? It could have been different. I will not be bullied and feel empty inside. What if I didn't enrolled to my second school but I could have been transferred immediately to my current school so that I could be graduated already and not be an irregular student.
But now, whenever I think of it, It became clearer now. It doesn't happened that in high school but I met a real friend that I can say that her name has a big part in my heart and life. I made a wrong decisions going to that first university because God wants me to experience that to be strong. So that in the future, I can handle it even though it will be hard I can think of that situation and still find hope because I survived. I missed that signs of God. I never understand that before. But now, I should thank God. Honestly, I never told anyone, as in anyone even my parents and my best friend that I was bullied before. My parents knew but they never heard me that I said all of this to them and I just told my best friend that my classmates are horrible and I don't like that school. I took a lot of courage to type this and while I was typing this earlier I cannot help crying because I remember it again. BUT the pain is not the same anymore unlike before. I can still remember but it's not painful anymore. Time heals everything. I can now go and pass by to that school without bitterness.
I am still me but much different. Those challenges and experiences made me became stronger, wiser, independent, confident and comfortable to myself.
rough roads make us tough persons
ReplyDeletethat is true. thank you for reading :>
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